the big 20 just like...

The night of Tush B'av night service which has 20 blessings to the Amidah.

Oh Snap..again :]

Anyways.

It's Tshu B'av and I'm hungry. I mean I guess thats what happens when you fast. Its just like my Dad says, you always seem so much more hungry when your fasting then on a normal day. I'm not dying hungry yet...but I was this morning. I feel like obligated to do this because I said last summer that I wasnt doing it becuase I didnt know anything about it. Now I do, and now I am. And theres no other place I'd rather be celebrating this holiday than here at the URJ Kutz Campus for Reform Jewish Teen Life. What a mouth full. What a joke. But not. :]

Anywhoo.

Last night's program. We had Beit Midrash. It was in the chadar ochel instead of the Beit Am. Bad descion. But I understand why we did it that way because of space and rain and other issues. I went to Josh Winstons and D.Singer's tables again. Josh's table was really good. We talked about the reason why the temple was destoryed by Caesar. I never knew about the arguement that happend between Kar Bama and someone else. My memory is running on low because of lack of nurishment. Anyways. It was suppose to make you realize that having little stupid arguments can actually lead to bigger things and bigger issues. Not that I have that issue as much as others, but its always something to think about. At D.Singer's table (which was on the ground) we studied some Talmudic Texts. I couldn't really hear that much becuase it all the talking of other groups and the echoing of the room, but I did get something out of it. It was talking about Jerusalem in a metaphoric matter. Saying how Jerusalem is a woman who is a widow and how people betray her. It was really interesting. We then had Ma'ariv. For some reason I felt soo connected to everything. It was a moving service. I felt holy. I felt community. I felt everything. From the tunes we sang and the davening I did. I davened like I've never daven before. I really don't know why. I think it's because I pushed myself and felt that I needed to do this. I needed to push myself.

Brilliant.

This morning I went to services. We didn't even have a minyan so we couldn't read torah. It was sad.

After services I went to the library and looked at my J.Studs folder from last session. At my notes and such.

And then it hit me like a Torah in the forehead.

I've changed. I can't deny it. My personality has not changed. But the way I think has. I question more. I want more out of things. I don't daven the way I use to. I like new things. Things I though I like I hate now. Things I hated I love now.

Why?

Maybe because this Kutz Campus for Reform Jewish Teen Life has done more for me then I thought it might of been. I love it. I LOVE it.

I found holiness today. I made connections today.

I'm loving Torah the Max more and more everyday. My class is getting better.

I love Kutz.

I'm still hungry. Oh well.

Shalom.