ARGH.

I haven't been this stressed out since April 25th..and we all know the many things that has happend on that day.

Anyways. Moving on.

Yesterday our cabin had been talking about our service. It took forever to figure out what we are doing. I hate planning services with a lot of people. I understand why Kutz wants us to lead services as a cabin but at the same time it's harder than hard. Especially as a normal service leader and song leader..its frustrating because I'm so use to just working with the region RCVP and then just doing what I want.

Stress much? Just the start.

Then we had a meeting with the cabin and Josh Winston (songleading teacher of last summer and current Kutz songleader). I was already agrivated because of the program that seemed to last forever. AKA a movie about how sad it is to be a Jew Israelie style. Yom Yisrael. Very unpleasant. The bond fire was kind of tight though. Then we had a pizza party for our cabin. And planned for our service. I was arleady really upset because I'm lacking on sleep. And when I or anyone for that matter lacks in sleep you get cranky. And to add stress just makes it a lot worse. I was basiclly a boiling pot that just boiled over. I was extremly frustrated. To the max. Hah Torah to the max. Anyways. I went back to the cabin and figured out all the tunes because if you are leading a service you have to write down all the composers and musical things youre doing which one again is very frustarting and tedious. I assigned all the parts and yadda yadda.

This morning our services happend. I was nervous and stressed. I freaked out. The service went fine until I felt like crap because of my mentors. It was a pretty set up though. Still though, its frustrating. They went a little long. But we had sheets filled all around the beit am and really pretty colorful lights and we all dressed nicely. It looked pretty. It sounded decent. I just suck at Hebrew which became really aparent. And now I feel like crap about it because I feel really imbarssed. It wasnt even a bad service. I mean it wasnt amazing. I just miss having songleaders around me to pick me up when I fall. Becuase I knew everyhting else...Just that one prayer. Which suddenly sets the mood. Too bad everyone was passed out dead tired. We dont get enough sleep. We get screwed over by having a morning service. I didnt want it, but of course we got it. Its so frustrating. And I know I cant do anything about now since its all over, but still. I cant get it out of my head. I cant get that look out of my head. I cant get anyhting out of my head.

No matter how upset I am, no matter how frustrated I am, Torah to the Max always cheers me up. I mean I even tired not to smile, but our class is just so fantastic I have to. I love what we are doing by going through the full Amidah. Its tov. Tov M'od.

Okay. I'm going to go now.

Tata